My local public radio station is trying to manipulate its listeners this week.

I spent all the money on programming for you! I know you enjoy these programs, so I’m airing them for you. I care about you so much. Can I have $60? That’s less than you spend on coffee, bitch!

***

If you had just given me $360 the last time I asked, I wouldn’t have to do this. We could have gone to the theater and seen Ira Glass. We could have had such a nice time. It’s all your fault that this is happening.

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You’ve been listening for years, but you’ve never given me anything. I provide in-depth investigative journalism, and I get nothing from you! Those other radio stations just can’t compare. Do you really think that you’re going to listen to another radio station? What would our friends think? Can I have $1200? I do all this for you, and after all this time together you can’t give me $1200? Why is it always about the money with you? Don’t you care about our relationship? You’re going to listen to another radio station? YOU’LL COME BACK! YOU ALWAYS DO! And when I’m gone, it’s going to be all your fault.

***

You thought you could just take me for granted? How does it feel now, now that I’ve taken away the news? I knew that you’d miss the news. You didn’t think that I’d take it away. BACK UP. STAY AWAY. DON’T COME CLOSER. DON’T MAKE ME HURT THE NEWS. If you give me $180, you can have the news back. I promise. I mean it this time.